| Written by The Editor, on 08-11-2007 10:39 |
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Readers of our rival local newspaper, the Incorrigible Extra, may have been forgiven for thinking that they were in fact reading the Whitley Bay Citizen when in this week's issue the sensationalised, near farcical reporting of trivial local 'news' stories hit new highs.
Due to the encroachment upon Whitley Bay Citizen's territory, the Editor of this fine organ has had no option but to issue a writ ordering the Incorrigible Extra (formerly the Harold and Post) to desist from reporting such stories in a way likely to cause mirth and merriment. In order to prove our point, we have decided to print this week's front page story from the Incorrigible Extra word for word to see if you can spot the difference in style between it and our own reporters' stories.
It's like a scene from Mission: Impossible. For dogs. Jasper, a 15-year-old Labrador cross, managed to open a set of French doors, use a rotating washing line and child swing to travel across a garden to avoid breaking setting off a security alarm's ground level laser beams, tunnel for 3 miles under under a fence, mining 400 tonnes of coal in the process, use a pelican crossing to cross the road safely, walk to the Metro station, pick up a copy of the free 'Metro' newspaper and then take it to the recycle bin after realising it was inferior to this publication, purchase a child's ticket from the machine as is required for a dog to travel, use the customer information point to request the time of the next train as the destination board was malfunctioning, push the button when the green light came on to open the doors and board the train, sit on a seat ensuring that he kept his feet off the seat as per the information sign, relinquish his seat when an elderly woman got on the train, get off at Four Lane Ends station to ensure that he was picked up straight away by a Newcastle Council dog warden, rather than waiting a few years for a Whitley Bay District Council dog warden to pick him up. He was then taken to the Newcastle Cat and Dog Shelter - from where he was rescued 13 years ago - and picked up by his relieved owner, Petra Shep, who had been desperately trying to find him. Petra, 49, a catering manager, of Norham Road, Whitley Bay, who is celebrating her 50th birthday next month and has blonde hair, said she was perplexed by the route her pet had taken as she never walks that way with him. She said, "We were all very upset when he went missing. I was very nearly suicidal. He is such a lovely dog. "He has tried to escape before but we've always been able to find him. This time, though, we thought he had gone for good." Petra, who is married to Brian, 47, a plasterer, and has two children, Thomas, 16, and Ashley, 22, who have four cousins, Sarah, 12, and David, 15, from Coventry, and Emma, 21, and Lee, 18, from North Shields, who also have a dog, an Alsation, called Bouncer, 8, or 55 in dog years, said the dog must have escaped in the early hours of Thursday morning. Petra, who also owns another dog, Carrott, eight, a Weimaraner, two cats, Salt and Pepper, both 2, who both have worms, and formerly owned a mouse, Lucky, 1, which was, unlikely, caught and eaten by Pepper, said: "I got up just after 5am and went down to see the dogs but Jasper had gone outside and the door was open. It's one of those UPVC doors with the tricky locks that are really hard to open, so he used a lock pick instead. "I went outside and saw that he had dug under the fence so I went looking for him. I looked all over the normal routes we take together and he was nowhere to be seen. I didn't even bother going to the Metro Station at Whitley Bay because he hates public transport and will only use taxis, and as he had a disagreement with East Coast taxis last time when he defecated on the back seat, he said he'd never go back there. "I eventually phoned the Cat and Dog Shelter and they told me they had him, and had thought it would be funny just to keep him instead of ringing the number on the dog collar to put us out of our misery. I couldn't believe where he had been." A volunteer co-ordinator at the Newcastle Cat and Dog Shelter, said: "We are delighted they have been reunited. It's funny that Jasper made his way back here after so long. It does happen sometimes when dogs are castrated, as the just go round in circles." A spokesman for Nexus, who run the Metro, said: "We are pleased that the dog has been safely reunited with its owner and the story has a happy ending." A spokesman for Newcastle Council's Traffic Signal Maintenance department, said: "We are glad the dog was able to use the crossing safely." A spokesman for Pedigree Chum, makers of Jasper's favourite dog food, said: "It's great that a dog fed on our food can complete such a trip."
We did ask for permission to print the photographs used on the Incorrigible Extra's front page, but were refused. However, a description of the photos is below: - Photo of Japser outside Whitley Bay Metro Station with caption 'Shall I go the quick way or the long way round and change at Monument?'
- Petra and Brian with Jasper
- Jasper at the pelican crossing pushing the button
- Jasper mining some coal
- Jasper, Carrot, Salt, Pepper, and the remains of Lucky, plus the rest of the human family, including cousins, great aunts and long lost uncles. Caption: My family and other animals
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