| Written by The Editor, on 01-03-2002 01:00 | ||
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A rich Texas Billionaire has offered to buy the entire team, and then move it to America.
Douglas Hall has today announced a shock plan to help NUFCs current financial crisis that will send fans of the team reeling. It seems as though a Texan Oil baron by the name of Zike B Miserhouser Jrn has expressed a keen interest in buying the under performing club for a cut price.
In answer to his motives for the move the tubby, cowboy boot & Stetson-wearing multi-billionaire said, "Shyeet ma boy went to an Ivory league school unlike me and his granddaddy and kind of fell in love with your English soccer. He just loves that game, and so like all good fathers should I have taken an interest and want to encourage him."
It seems that to save the inconvenience of his son Bobby, Zike not only wants to buy the club but move St James brick by brick back to his native Dallas. "If you think for one cotton pickin moment that mah son is gonna have to fly to your Newcastle just to have a kick about you have another thing commin. Ma plan is this, ahm gonna rebuild St James right in mah back yard so that the boy and his buddys can enjoy practicing with your Alan Sheara."
As for how Newcastle United can meet league obligations based in Texas, Zike was typically straight to the point. "Dang! you guys can use your god damn soccer field to play your matches on Saturdays and Wednesdays but if you want to play any of that FA cup bullshyeet y'all can widdle some."
Of all teams, "why buy Newcastle?" you might ask. Of all teams to buy you might ask. "Well y'see mah great granddaddy was Scottish and his dying words to mah father was "we can never forget our roots son, if you ever make it in this crazy oil trade buy me a part of home and bring it back here." As we all know, Newcastle is the biggest soccer team in Scotland. So I git to kill two vultures with one shootin iron, so to speak."
The Geordie Citizen reporter was quick to push Mr Hall beyond the usual spun press releases, and his honesty was refreshing. In a telephone-interview he said, "Haaaahahahahahahahaha When I'm bored with this tedious plaything I shall cast it aside like a spoiled child. As for the fans, you were right — I am indeed an entity of pure evil hahahahahaahahah" (his laughter echoed long after we hung up).
As for Zike, has any other parts of Newcastle taken his fancy? "Well y'see the problem with Scotland is that everything is sooo damn small. But y'see ah have been needin me a new coat hanger and your Tyne bridge looks as thought it might just be big enough. And my wife tells me we have just ran out of sh*tt*n' paper so ah gonna buy me your Evening Chronicle."
| Published in : Sport, Newcastle | |||||
| Keywords : nufc, football | |||||
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